Sitting outside my office, enjoying a break. Listening to the buzz of the cicadas is oddly calming. It’s such an intensely electric sound, but the rhythm is calm and deliberate in the face of the incoming storm. #deepthoughts #naturesounds #meditate #selfcare

I get asked a lot about my hair. Its my signature. It’s one of the few things I like about myself consistently. It is the epitome of my self expression. It is the one thing in my life I have complete control over.

People ask me constantly who “does” my hair. The simple answer is me. I used to think it was because I was frugal and kind of lazy. But the honest truth is, it is all about control. I control the outcome. If it sucks, it’s on me. If it’s awesome, it’s on me. In the midst of panic, anxiety, depression and everything else I feel completely helpless over, I am always looking for something I can control, something that is healthy.

For me that’s hair. I’ve been coloring my own hair for as long as I can remember and I’ve been cutting my own hair on and off for 10 years and exclusively for about 4. There is something so freeing about slathering smelly goop all over your head and waiting for the final outcome.

My hair has been every color of the rainbow. I love how I feel, I love when little kids look at it wide eyed and ask me if they can touch it, I secretly love the judgmental looks of middle aged women who think I’m too old for purple hair. I love the elderly ladies who come into my office to show me the streaks of color their granddaughters put in for them because they loved how mine looked. Its amazing how something so simple gives me a purpose.

The one thing that confuses me, though, is when people tell me I’m so brave for wearing my hair the way I do. What is brave about self expression? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what most of these people are trying to say. I wish we lived in a world where confidence in oneself isn’t brave, its normal. Where finding a healthy form of self care isn’t seen as a courageous step, it’s just what we do.

When you feel out of control, when those feelings of harm and hopelessness try to take you over, find your safe and healthy thing you can control. Find the one thing that makes you feel calm. For me it’s my hair. For some its baking, meditation or yoga, painting, sewing, or gardening. I encourage you to find something that makes you feel in control of your life.

Shine your light. Fly your flag.

Down 4# and a lot of tears at Weight Watchers this week. Our leader asked where I was for a few weeks and I was finally honest. One week was my birthday, one was a holiday, but the others were missed because I had a major mental/emotional break down and couldn’t function.

I hate myself, I hate how I look, self loathing is my baseline. I’m not in a good place. But I’m working out. I’m taking my meds. I’m back to meetings. She requested that by the end of the meeting she wanted me to think of 3 things I like about myself. It didn’t have to be big, life changing things. Just something.

It was difficult, not impossible. This challenge can be gut wrenching. I am not nice to myself. I am ALWAYS my own worst enemy, no bully could come close to saying things as hurtful as I say to myself. The idea of having to say something nice was so foreign to me. Why? Self love should be simple. I should be my own best friend. But my brain cant quite grasp the idea. Kindness and compassion towards others comes so easily. Why can’t I complete this basic task for the one person in my life that needs it most?

I challenge you all to think about this today too. Share if you want. Just know there is always something good.

Here are my 3.

1. I am very good at making others feel better, seen, and/or heard.

2. I have great hair.

3. I am a wealth of semi useless knowledge that always comes in handy in weird situations.

Thanks for joining me. This is an experiment in healing and self discovery. I have been looking for ways to augment my mental health journey in a safe and expressive way.

I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It took me nearly 35 years to be able to put a voice to the darkness that lives eternally inside me. By giving it voice, I have finally started a journey towards healing.

I know I will never be cured, but maybe I can make life a little more liveable.

Hugs,

Nicole

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton